A This-Is-It Moment

Driving down a hill, I skidded on some black ice, did a 360, hit a street sign, and wound up in a snowbank. Instinct kicked in as one hand flew before my eyes, but, curiously, during that “this-is-it” moment, I felt no fear. Maybe it’s because everything played out so quickly, but I’m inclined to believe I yielded to the maxim of “whatever happens happens.” With that acceptance as mundane as brushing my teeth, I felt cognizant of my long gone innocence.

            Somewhere I read that innocence is the time before we are hit with our first tragedy. Until then, whatever our chronological age, we are still young, have hope, and feel the joy of anticipation; if that’s true, and I believe it is, than my innocent days are far in the past. But that realization comes with a positive side, at least for me: along with the eclipse of what had been my undefiled soul, I lost my fear of death. Okay I admit to to a small churning sensation at the thought, but basically I look forward to it, the big D as in the eternal unknown.

            I don’t usually express my religious beliefs, including tenets about heaven/hell to others, finding the subject too contentious so I’ll stick with life instead, which, in any case, is not too far off course. While once again I don’t remember the source, I have a direct quote I’ll share: “I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery, than a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.”

            That sentence sums up my convictions. If God, the Creator, came down and tried to explain everything, I don’t believe humans would have the capacity to understand the essence. And as with life, I’m happy to leave what comes after an enigma so that when my final this-is-it moment actually arrives (not what just turned out to be a minor car accident), I can close my eyes and cross over with one small step. If lucky, I’ll be satisfied that my time here had been adequate and, in the scale of things, worth it. Hopefully, I’ll reach out with the joy of anticipation as I did in those innocent bygone days to welcome a new beginning.

            (Note: I realize this isn’t a mental health/illness post, but sometimes it’s good to take a break. So happy Passover/Easter y’all.)


About waywardweed

I am a consumer and parent of two sons, one with a mental illness and the other a third-year law student.
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