Running Away

The daily fights with biting, scratching, and kicking took its toll. Then when my sister ripped up a drawing I valued, never seeing her face seemed reasonable to a seven-year- old. After two blocks on the lam, however, I found myself turning back.

            But here I am, much older, and thinking of running away again. The Caymen Islands are a possibility, along with the U.S. Virgin Islands since the latter requires no passport. I guess I don’t really care where I go as long as it’s far, far beyond the blue horizon. Perhaps, I’ll just turn off my mind and escape to a different dimension, requiring no actual physical travel. An extra Klonopin may do it or leaving the TV on all day.

            I’m at the point where the thought of abandoning my ill son seems as irresistible as my favorite ice cream flavor Cherry Garcia. I’ve been at this breaking point before, but someone or something stepped in and relieved the pressure. I know I can’t do anything, at least until my younger son finishes law school next spring, and then I may grow wings and fly. He’ll be here this weekend, and I plan on spilling the fine points of the challenge I’ve been facing, but with his becoming a lawyer, he’ll have a heads-up; at least, I hope so.

            My husband, too, seems to be on my wavelength though we avoid the topic lately. He’s lucky. He has a way of compartmentalizing, so he can shun issues that trouble him. I wish I could do that, but it seems my brain’s wiring is diffuse.

            As for Sam, my son with schizo-affective disorder, he doesn’t want to see me so the loss for him will be minimal. He is still angry because I testified at his committal hearing last year. Although I believe I had no choice (it was that or jail), the fallout remains. I’ve seen him on-and-off throughout the year and he tells me he loves me, but he also says we are no longer close. I suppose he’s right about that, so I’ll have to fly far and high in search of my celestial castle. And as for my sister, we’re now the best of friends.

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About waywardweed

I am a consumer and parent of two sons, one with a mental illness and the other a third-year law student.
This entry was posted in Mental Illness and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Running Away

  1. Sometimes all we want to do is to run away. It is then that I often realize that Heavenly Father helps us and that if I want to be as the Savior, I will endure, for He did not run away.

  2. It’s funny how people can compartmentalize things, as you said. My husband was that way for a long time with our daughter. She was gone for years and didn’t talk to us, and now she’s back. Things are good so far, but it’s been a few months. Remember to take care of yourself and tell yourself that you are being the best parent you can be. You can do no more than that. And I’m glad you are close to your sister, that helps, doesn’t it?

  3. amieekid says:

    I am so sorry to hear how tough things have been for you. I am so inspired by you though. Amazing woman.

  4. Ah, yes…the idea of abandoning my schizo-aff husband still tempts me daily.

  5. Alice Miller says:

    I have a son with the same illness. It is really hard some times. I think Sam will forgive you. You did it to help him and at some level he knows that. Just keep telling him how much you love him and how much you don’t like the illness and are sorry he has this illness. He knows and he loves you, I am sure of it.
    Let him take care of himself, connect with him as often as you can. You know, I know a few mothers who have lost their sons through suicide. As hard as it is, at least we have our sons on the planet and there is hope still! Love to you fellow Mom. I really get it! Write me back if you want.

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