Stuck In A Groove

He called again and like before, I felt my head explode from his verbal jackhammer.  Slow down, I wanted to tell him. Speak softer and while you’re at it, please change the subject. But no, it’s always the same tiresome topic and for the most part, I kept my mouth shut and listened as he jabbered away on the only solution—his solution—to save humanity from hell and damnation. When I meekly attempted to voice an opinion, I was accused of being heartless.

I have learned there will be no miracle—not for him and not for me. I thought of those old vinyl records … you know, the ones where the needle gets stuck in a grove, causing a word to repeat over and over. He, too, is stuck in a groove, a cruel one of mental illness which has stolen so much of the thinking, rational part of his brain, and I, like him, am also stuck in the abyss of MI, albeit of a different sort.

This morning my thoughts turned to lobotomies. I realize, of course, they are no longer being done and for good reason, but the thought of feeling nothing, to be free of emotional pain is so enticing. Maybe that’s why people commit suicide. They just cannot  tolerate another moment of feeling as if their hearts are being ripped out of their bodies.

I know I have good things in my life, but somehow they don’t compensate. When I weigh the balance of happy against sad, that seesaw crashes to the latter side. I need a push, a shove to get me out of this obsessive line of thought or maybe a leap of my own accord. Yet I have tried everything (short of that lobotomy) with only limited success, which is why suicide remains an option. But not today, I tell myself, just as I did yesterday and the day before; keep trying, even if you have to pretend, and maybe someday you won’t have to pretend anymore.

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About waywardweed

I am a consumer and parent of two sons, one with a mental illness and the other a third-year law student.
This entry was posted in Mental Illness and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Stuck In A Groove

  1. mary f. says:

    OMG, you are so right on! I’ve been here and there, on and off to various internet supports . This is the first site that I’ve found someone who is so open and honest about the mental illness trap. There has been a relatively new movement emphasizing recovery. We know it ain’t gonna happen. I’d like to pull the hair out of the people who are promoting recovery. Webster says recovery means to bring back to normal condition. Duh! MI is the norm at my house. Have you written a book about your insights? If not you need to put it out there in peoples faces.

  2. Nancy widrew says:

    Thanks for replying. There are people–and I know some–who have gotten better after serious bouts with MI, but at this point I have little hope for my son, and it sounds as if you are struggling too. I was on a site today (www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org) and they wrote that approx. one third of people experiencing psychosis recover, one third stabilize but don’t return to normal, and one third continue downhill. My son was in the middle third until last year. Now he is not doing as well. Sometimes I think that if a stranger asks me how many kids I have, I will just say one–my younger son is in law school. It is too hard to explain over and over the loss and the on-going pain from dealing with my older son. I have written a book, but it deals with my own struggle. It only covers five years and parallels the turmoil going on in our nation during the 60’s. I may look into getting it published in the future. At the moment I am concentrating on articles, short stories and my blog. As for the recovery movement–part of it is political correctness but part is the need for consumers, professionals, and families to not give up hope, and I do agree that the wishes of consumers need to be taken into account. As for me, today wasn’t so hot, but there is tomorrow. I wish you the best.

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