What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Yo mamma is so ugly that on Halloween people go as her.
Once there was a boy who was born with just a head. He had no body, arms, and legs. In spite of this, his father doted on him and raised him as best he could. When the boy was 18, the father took him to a bar for his first taste of alcohol. As he sipped his first drink, a remarkable thing happened. His torso suddenly grew. On the second sip, his right arm appeared and on his third sip, his left arm. The customers went wild and soon the boy had a pair of legs. This continued until the boy was whole. The father was overjoyed and they both left, rushing home tipsy. Unfortunately, the boy was hit by a truck and died instantly. Upon hearing the news, the bartender said, “He should have quit while he was a head.”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
There was an old church in need of paint. The pastor hired a painter, but being low on cash only gave him enough money for one gallon of red paint. The painter climbed up to the steeple and began. When he got down to the second floor he noticed the can was running low so he added some water. By the time he got to the first floor, he noticed the can was
almost empty so he added even more water. By the time he finished his final stroke on the door, the paint was so thin that the color had changed to pink. Unfortunately, it rained during the night and all the paint washed away. When the pastor saw the fiasco, he turned to the sky for guidance. “What should I do?” he asked. A voice from the heavens responded. “Repaint and thin no more.”
An elderly husband and wife go to the doctor because the husband has some serious issues. The doc examines the man and then asks to speak to the wife alone. Doctor M.D. says, “Your husband will recover but you will have to do everything for him–dress, bathe, and feed him.” After they leave, the husband asks, “What did the doctor say?” The wife replies, “You will die.”
(Many thanks to the Mammoth Book of Humor and the assorted/
sordid folks at one of our local peer-support centers for the above yucks.)