Lately my mood has been lower than the bottom of a shoe, teeming with dog poop, resulting in my vacillating between thoughts of suicide and admitting myself into a hospital. I got through the night with the help of an extra pill and will keep myself busy today, hoping this black feeling will pass. I asked a fellow mom, struggling with similar problems, how she manages to not drive herself crazy with worry over her mentally ill son. She said she thinks of herself as part of a team and tries not to dwell on bad outcomes. Unfortunately, I’m no longer on a team. I’ve been banished to the naughty corner so now the good things that happen don’t compensate for the bad. When my head screams stop obsessing, I feel incapable of heeding its advice since my thoughts are stuck in mud. I’d try ECT, but I don’t want to risk memory loss because of my writing, a place where I’m actually making progress. One of my short stories was recently picked for an anthology. Besides payment, I will receive royalties; a first.
On another note … I mentioned in an earlier post that a few trolls are suing the city where I reside for allowing a clubhouse for the mentally ill to open and operate. Last week we went to superior court and the judge wants to tour the property and our facility. We are located in a wing of a church on a ten acre piece of land so hardly anyone notices we are here (except for our supporters and the trolls). You’d think some folks would have better ways to spend their money, but apparently $40,000 is worth it to get the mentally ill out of their neighborhood. While I wouldn’t wish tragedy on anyone (okay, maybe I would), in the scheme of things, what goes round comes round and maybe that one person in four with a MI will hit a member of the opposition. I never thought this would happen to my family. Now I know better.